upside down

i think the biggest risk one takes by going, by volunteering isn't malaria or one form of crime or another, it's losing your life completely, having your life irrevocably changed. it's returning and struggling with overwhelming issues, fairness, justice, love, and I think mostly "what must I now do?" how can I move forward in ways that will honor it all? and here's the hardest part - i can't do it! no matter how hard i work, no matter what i do, it'll never be enough... that's the greatest risk. it's impossible to honor properly, and it's impossible to move on and feel you are doing enough. and someone you love is going to be hurt for sure, whether it's family here or family there. in the sum of all things i'd say this - i'd rather be here struggling with this - then to be living selfishly. i've completed 2 of the 3 hard animations - one to go, i'm in the thick of editing danny of TFC's interview, there's lot's to do, but it feels like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...